Throwing people down the escalator and trying to figure out dating

There’re certain things about my personality and character that have changed over time: my looks, my religion, my clothing style, my thoughts about drinking, smoking, and drugs, etc.

But one thing has remained a constant…I…will…always…walk…fast.

My freshman year of college I was dating a girl who was perhaps a little taller than me and was about as long legged as she could be and remain normally proportionate. When we would walk around campus, our friends would comment how freakishly fast we walked.

I remember as a kid yelling at my parents and getting mind-blowingly angry because they wouldn’t keep up with me on afternoon walks.

Last year, while teaching high school, the style got the name: “ mylastname-er walk” for my tendency to get through a crowd at high speeds no matter who was in the way…except my principal!

So, when I heard that Korea was known for its “speedy Koreans” I thought I may have finally found a place where I fit it.

Sadly, no.

Koreans are indeed faster than Americans…but that just means that they are not chronically lazy and perpetual time-wasters. Being faster than American’s is not a big claim. It’s like being a smart kid on the short bus: no one is surprised.

I’m still the fastest person on the sidewalks. In the subways. Taking two stairs at a time…always. Life it too short to waste any time at all walking somewhere! I want to use my time enjoying my destination, not gawking at street vendors and cheap clothes salesmen.

Now in Seoul there is an unwritten rule that you stand on the right side of the escalator, and walk on the left.

It makes sense. There have been a very few times—usually when hung-over—that I’ve not wanted to walk up the entire incredibly long escalator ride and decided instead to stand on the right. But never…I repeat never…should a person stand on the left.

In my opinion, this is a jailable offense. (This is one of many reasons I would make a horrible dictator)

But, once I leave my cozy confines of Seoul and venture into the wild west of Korea….AKA Bucheon, people just don’t have that thought.

Here’s the deal folk…and I’ll end with this thought…ensuring that you can hold hands with your significant other in a non-awkward, 180 degree, situation is not a reason to stand beside him/her and keep me from climbing up (or god forbid down) the stairs.

Which provides a nice transition to my next topic: Girls.

The Psychology of Attractiveness

A couple of weeks ago Gandalf the Grey went back to the good ole US of A. School was calling…but I could feel his reluctance to leave. This is as much his home as America now.

Actually, truthfully speaking…I didn’t want him to leave for selfish reasons! This is a person who I know will be back and, providing the huge possibility I’m here then, will be a great friend.

But, my other best friend had just left, and so was Sir Gandalf. I was going to be a sad season for me of having to make actual friends.

One of Gandalf‘s missions while he was here, as he told to me, was to get me a girl so I would stay in Korea for the rest of my life.

This was coupled with the paradoxical and pertinent advice of: “Don’t look for a girl, meet a girl when you least expect it.”

Well, the mission failed while he was here. However, Sir Gandalf’s Wife: The Queen Bee decided to stay for a couple of months to prep for the GRE.

After my previously blogged about date (or whatever it was) fell though, The Queen Bee tried to set me up with one of her friends.

But, that particular friend is planning on quitting her job soon and moving to Mexico. As far as life plans so…that one is by far the most gangster I’ve heard yet.

I was impressed by her moxy, but knew that it didn’t quite fit with my plan of living in Korea.

Before he left Gandalf mentioned that The Queen Bee might be able to give me some life advice about Korea and dating that I might find useful.

Turns out, he was right. The Queen Bee was a psychology major and she is not shy. She gets directly to the point and isn’t afraid to ask hard questions.

So, I think she has taken on the hobby of a psychology project. The project is entitled (by me): “The project for the enbetterment of Eric so that he can find a good girl and live in Korea and be lifelong friends with the Gandalf-Bee Family”

Myself being a little bit of an overly self-contemplative attention whore…this was right down my alley.

It started out by a few direct comments:

1. After getting to know you I think you cannot leave this country. I don’t think you would be happy.
2. You get very nervous around women. You need to act yourself. You’re good enough the way you are, don’t try to be someone else.
3. I think women could control you easily. You need to watch for that.

Considering that these are three things that are incredibly true–and things that I tend to not like to admit–I decided to listen more.

Here where the philosophy developed. Here’s what I’m really here to talk about today.

The Philosophy of Fantasy

The question was direct, and a little shocking. “What’s you dating fantasy?”

Usually when someone talked about relationships and fantasy, they are referring to sex…that’s what was shocking about the question, but this wasn’t about sex.

This was an honest question, and one that I’d never really thought about before.

She continued: “Girls have fantasies all the time…And…If you can fit into that fantasy, you have the girl.”

I felt like I was getting a key to a door that has been a locked cage of questions to me before: Why do girls actually like guys? What makes one guy get the girl more than another? Why do I see so many ugly assholes with girlfriends?

So I asked the obvious question: “Well….then….what are girl’s fantasies?”

Then the perfect response…one you might except from a psychology major and someone married to a guy name Gandalf the Grey was this: “Well I guess that’s your homework. Think about what a girl’s fantasy is.”

Now, I have not been doing my homework. I still have no fucking clue. But, I’m at least one step closer that I was before…I know where the locked door is…I just have to find the key.

Instead, I’ve been focusing on a much more egotistical task…trying to decipher my own dating fantasy.

Her hypothesis was simple. It’s the same with guys. Guys have fantasies, and a girl simply just has to fit into his fantasy and she has the guy.

Truth. Truth. Truth.

History is strewn with stories and love and sex and money and destruction and The Wife of Bath.

It suddenly became super important to me to understand myself in this way so that I could be a smarter dater.

I started to dissect my past in light of this new piece of advice.

1. The date that was not a date. I was certain she was an amazing person…but when I analyzed it…the only real reason I was attracted to her was that she was a Civil Engineer. She could have been a horrible person and wrecked my life all because she was a Civil Engineer and that’s part of my fantasy.
2. The girl I liked before that, Sam-Gak-Kim-Bap was simple based on her dress style and slightly sarcastic/abrasive personality with the students.
   Now I find her to be a little overbearing and a bit irrational. Things I never saw before because I was blinded by my fantasy.
3. Before that it was a hair-style, before that a particular accent I liked, before that an attitude, a culture, a hobby…

As I continued to delve into my past I found out that…damn it…I do have a fantasy. And it’s pretty complex.

Every single one of these girls that I liked caught me off guard by having just a small part of my fantasy. They didn’t have to use sex, they didn’t have to flash money, they didn’t have to use any of the obvious super-powerful fantasies…they hooked me with the small ones.

This takes back to the point that I can be controlled easily by women.

The Queen Bee told me about how she and Gandalf got together. The reason the meeting was a hit, and by logical deduction the reason they are happily married now, is because he knew about her favorite pianist.

That’s it. That was the difference that night between “Wow this is a seriously amazing person” and “Well, that was an okay night”.

There’s no difference in the person because of that fact. There’s nothing about that little fact that makes either one of them better or worse husband/wife material. But that was the door that let them find it.

It’s all about fantasy.

And believe it or not, I’ve found it harder to figure out than I expected. While out last weekend at Hongdae Park, The Queen Bee asked me to point out any girls that I thought were “my style.”

It was harder than I thought. I’m not that guy. Conservative upbringing, not wanting to be “that guy”, whatever it was, I never was the “Damn, she’s hot” guy.

But…for the sake of science…I guess I’ll oblige.

I found a few girls. Not many. A lot were on the borderline or “I’m not sure” side. However, my guess–make that previous experience fact—is that if a lot of the “borderline” girls sat down to have a conversation with me I would find something that would trigger my fantasy and I would find them super attractive.

So…in conclusion…what’s do I learn from this?

Two things (damn it I do love lists)

1. I have a fantasy that drives my attractions. The difference between me liking a girl or not is whether or not she fits into a part of my fantasy. This is shown greatly by how quickly non-Korean girls have dropped of my radar. It has little to do with attractiveness—although that is a factor—and a lot to do with the fact that I think I’m stuck here mentally…and my fantasy right now is to live here…for a very long time.
2. A girl can OWN me if she gets me by a fantasy without me knowing it. I have begun to realize how many times this has happened to me in the past. I get caught on one part of my fantasy, and I start to rationalize the rest. And ignore the bad. All because of a fantasy. For me to fight that power, I have to know my fantasy.

So…I guess that’s where we’re at. I have another way to evaluate girls…the fantasy scale. And I need to figure out my fantasy so I can enjoy it…and defend myself from it.

Anyways, I sure didn’t mean to write a 2000 word essay on the subject…but there you go: fantasy is a power to be enjoyed and feared.

-HuskEric