Dude….seriously?

This past weekend was seriously amazing! Along with Gandalf the Grey, The Queen Bee, and one of The Queen Bee’s friend, we went to the friends parents house near Asan.

It is their retirement house, they built it, and it is practically a pension. It was beautiful.

The master bedroom is traditional style with walls similar to adobe. The rest of the house is modern, but with a country feel.

They even have a personal noraebang upstairs.

It was a super relaxing weekend. It’s in the woods, on a hill, surrounded with rice patties and small fields inset into the mountainside.

It honestly felt like going to visit my parents in TN…without the stress that comes from visiting parents. It was out in nature. No cellphone service. No computer. Just pure, raw, Korea. It felt wonderful.

That is surely the Korean dream…to be able to one day; after acquiring a lifetime of wealth, fun, and overstimulation; be able to escape the rat-race.

But…

…after I got home I felt a feeling I haven’t had since about two weeks after I came: I just wanted to sit down and cry. I was seriously depressed.

At first I thought it was because I was back in the city…but that’s not it. I love living here and although the country is SO nice to visit, I couldn’t live there at this point in my life.

After eating, walking around, and deciding to take my emo ass to the PC bang to write a blog I think I have it pinpointed.

Why Eric is depressed, a three-point egotistical adventure.

(PS. If you’re not a fan of my introspective ramblings…stop now…you’ve been warned.)

Point 1: My apartment is dirty.

I absolutely hate that. And it makes me feel a little down every time it happens. I seriously need to hire a house cleaner because I simply don’t have time to do it.

But this is something that I can fix today, which I will. But alone it’s not enough to make me depressed. Which brings me to point 2.

Point 2: I’m a man without a country.

I spent the entire weekend surrounded by the Korean language. Everyone there with the exception of Gandolf the Greyand myself were Korean, so mainly Korean was spoken. It’s surprising how my understanding is getting better, and yet how horrible it still is.

I can understand the topic of conversation about 80% of the time, and I probably understand about 20-40% of what is being said completely…depending on the person speaking and the topic.

But, I’m far from being conversational. However, I loved it. I was in heaven. Kimchi-Jiggae made with 2-year-old Kimchi and homemade ddoenjang, you can’t beat it. But, on the inside I’m still torn.

Gandalf the Grey‘s life is quite enviable. What more can a man truly want…a good wife, deep happiness, and a lifestyle that is mentally stimulating and rarely boring. But what about me. I worry about these things way too much, but I am getting antsy.

I have so much more to do in this country, but I still don’t feel fully comfortable here. I feel like I’m getting close to being at the limit of how much I can immerse into the culture without having a deeper connection into Korean life…like a girlfriend so such.

The problem is that the more I see about Korean culture, the more I want to experience it. So the more I see, I actually get a bit envious and anxious…wondering when, how, and if it will happen to me.

But, I’m American. I am. Looking at some iPhone pictures of just driving in the USA I got a little homesick. Which I’ve been getting lately. I want to go back and visit. But at the same time I know…and mean truly know that I would be unhappy if I stayed there.

I would be full of regrets. I feel like a traitor for saying it…and I don’t understand it…but for some reason, for my own happiness, I really feel that I need to give the possibility of living life in Korea a fair shot.

So, even though I’m super homesick, I know that visiting the place I’m homesick for won’t fix it…that’s a bit depressing.

Well, I’ll be coming back during November, so it will at least be awesome to catch up with friends and catch a football game.

Point 3: My life will be changing a lot in the next month, and I’m not sure how.

That in itself is a bit unsettling. But it’s going to be changing is a few major ways.

My best friend in Korea is leaving the second week of June.

Gandalf the Grey and The Queen Bee are also leaving the second week of June.

I remember how hard it was leaving my best friend in America and coming here. Even though I was experiencing new thing and was super excited about being here, doing without someone who understands you and that you can talk about almost anything with still sucked.

This time I won’t have the new excitement factor…and honestly, because I became good friends with him quite fast…I’ve kinda gotten lazy about making other friends.

At the end of June, I will have about 2 friends left…and that will suck a bit.

I know it’ll probably be good for me, like making new friends. Making more Korean friends. Trying to get a group of Korean friends so I can keep improving my Korean. Etc…

But uncertainty can be a bit scary sometimes.

Anyways, in closing, I have no freaking reason to be depressed and I’m sure I’ll snap out of it by tomorrow. 

-Eric