How to Loose Weight in Korea for Dummies (and fatties)

Hello friends. It’s been a while and I’m sorry. There have been so many things I wanted to write about, but alas, the time slipped me by.

But, then I got sick. Do you know what they put in these $5 cold medicines here? Me neither. But I’ve been flying high for two days now.

So, what better time to write a blog than when things like time and space make no sense to you.

I recently weighed myself, and to my surprise, I’d lost another 3kg (6.6lbs) since the last time I stepped on the scales.

Holy Kitten Kaboodles! So, I decided to give everyone a step by step process on how to loose weight in Korea and become overall more awesome.

Step 1: Be fat

Look no one likes a skinny bitch complaining about his/her weight. If your skinny and you want to go on a diet…great…fine. Tell your best friend or your husband. Better yet, shut the fuck up. No one cares.

However, if you’re a fatty-McFatterson and you’ve finally decided to shake off a few of those extra apple fritters from last month when you went to the carnival dressed like “Porky-The-Pucking-Phat-Clown,”  then by all means tell me.

Tell everyone. Swear your entire integrity on it. That way if you fail, there will be enough shame that you will either get back on the horse and start bucking, or become an over-sized speed bump for the 4:05 express train.

Point is, if your fat to start with, it’s easier to see results.

Step 2: Live a Korean schedule

This is important. If you want to look skinny, then you better be busy. I’m not saying be busy all day, just schedule a lot of things near meal times.

The goal here is to be so busy that you don’t have time to think about all the food you want, you just settle for a kimbap, sandwich, or some jumokbap. Throw a pepsi in there I don’t care. Here in Korea, they are small and easy to digest. No harm done.

If you have no time to eat, you have no time to stay fat. Period. If you want to stop being a lard covered, deep-fried lard tard, then you have to get busy now.

Step 3: You can eat what ever you want, as long as it’s Korean.

Korean food is tasty. No doubt about it. But it is also spicy. Some people say don’t over do it.

I say do.

Friends, you are about to embark on a 6 month anal adventure. The best way to loose weight is to eat food that tastes so good you want more, but food that your body can’t wait to move the fuck right along.

Six months ago I liked taking big hearty dumps. They were relaxing. They were refreshing. Now, they are painful and I can’t even stand the smell.

It had changed to the point that I even prefer public bathrooms to my own. Why in the name of God would I want THAT in my bathrooms. Wow!

But seriously. Eat Korean and a shit ton of it. Want to splurge? Don’t. Want a steak? Get a don-kka-su instead. Want a burger? Eat some  “to-a-suh-tuh”. Want linguine and a bikini? Go beat up a hooker.

Whatever you do..and this is important…if you splurge…FEEL GUILTY.

I recently (while I was loosing weight) woke up and saw four pizza boxes in my apartment on the floor. Why? Because ordering online was less stress than possibly messing up the phone order. That’s it!

I swore at my self using the most vulgar things I could think of and then promised to not eat pizza for a month.   Done.

Step 4: Drink…A LOT.

Drinking for weight loss? I think so. In fact that’s how I’ve lost most of my weight. My weight will stay the same for a week. Then after a weekend of liver abuse, I’m down 2-3kg.

How does this work? Simple. In Korea there is no closing time. If you are drink you are getting less sleep which means you are burning more fat for longer.

Secondly, when I drink I tend to dance my ass off…quite literally it turns out. Nothing makes you want to exercise like throbbing K-pop and a bottle of Soju.

Thirdly, have you ever been so drunk that you couldn’t eat for too days???? BINGO!!! That’s the winning formula. I’m serious. Just as you think you may be able to eat again, so smoke a cigarette. It’ll make you sick all over again and you’re good for another 2-3 hours.

This is all about self-discipline folks.

Step 5: Drinking and driving is stupid. Climb mountains instead.

In Korea drinking and mountains are the two favorite pastimes besides planning world domination schemes involving Japan.

Do you know any better way to forget that your legs are killing you and you can’t go on?

Can you think of a better way to give you courage to climb the ropes to the top free-handed?

Can you think of a better way to loose weight than in a hospital bed?

…Climbing mountains drunk…do it.

Step 6: (The final step because I’m tired.) Don’t be an asshole. Don’t exercise.

See that guy? No one likes that guy. I mean except for that super hot chick that he got lock-and-key…but besides her…no one like him. He’s aaaa giiiiaannnt dooooooouuuuche!

Why? Look. I’ve worked very hard at the above methods to loose my weight. But I have no desire to achieve sculpted perfection like that dolt.

I mean who wants perfect carved biceps, washboard abs, and nipples that can do 5lbs curls…not this guy.

That’s where plastic surgery come in. Look, I’ve worked hard for this weight loss. And…not I’m making more money. So, I can get plastic surgery, look like that asshole, but have none of the fucking annoying self-actualization crap that comes a long with it.

Here’s my goal. Another 10kg on my own. Then I’ll feel okay with going into the doc and saying…hey buddy…slice and dice my self esteem back into place.

Anyways. Stop being a toilet-filling, food dumpster grease ball and come loose weight the Korean way!

-HuskEric